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  1. This is a blatant ripoff of [Mallory Ortberg](https://twitter.com/mallelis)'s
  2. [Bible Verses Where A Word Has Been Replaced With A Different Word](http://the-toast.net/series/bible-verses/).
  3. ## The Gateless Gate, Case 7: Jōshū Washes The Bowl
  4. > A monk asked Jōshū to teach him.
  5. >
  6. > Jōshū asked, "Have you eaten your meal?"
  7. >
  8. > The monk replied, "Yes, I have."
  9. >
  10. > "Then go wash your bowl", said Jōshū.
  11. >
  12. > At that moment, the monk got woke.
  13. ## The Gateless Gate, Case 15: Tōzan's Three Blows
  14. > Tōzan went to Ummon. Ummon asked him where he had come from.
  15. >
  16. > Tōzan said: "From Sato."
  17. >
  18. > Ummon asked: "In what temple did you remain for the summer?"
  19. >
  20. > Tōzan replied: "The temple of Hōzu, south of the lake."
  21. >
  22. > "When did you leave there?" asked Ummon.
  23. >
  24. > "The twenty-fifth of August," answered Tōzan.
  25. >
  26. > Ummon said: "I should give you three blows with a stick, but
  27. > today I forgive you."
  28. >
  29. > The next day Tōzan bowed to Ummon and asked: "Yesterday you forgave
  30. > me three blows. I do not know why you thought me wrong."
  31. >
  32. > Ummon, rebuking Tōzan's spiritless responses, said: "You are good
  33. > for nothing. You simply wander from one monastery to another."
  34. >
  35. > Before Ummon's words were ended Tōzan got woke.
  36. ## 101 Zen Stories, Case 46: How Grass & Trees Become Woke
  37. > During the Kamakura period, Shinkan studied Tendai six
  38. > years and then studied Zen seven years; then he went to
  39. > China and contemplated Zen for thirteen years more.
  40. >
  41. > When he returned to Japan many desired to interview him
  42. > and asked obscure questions. But when Shinkan received
  43. > visitors, which was infrequently, he seldom answered their
  44. > questions.
  45. >
  46. > One day a fifty-year-old student of wokeness said to
  47. > Shinkan: "I have studied the Tendai school of thought since
  48. > I was a little boy, but one thing in it I cannot understand.
  49. > Tendai claims that even the grass and trees will get
  50. > woke. To me this seems very strange."
  51. >
  52. > "Of what use is it to discuss how grass and trees get
  53. > woke?" asked Shinkan. "The question is how you yourself
  54. > can become so. Did you ever consider that?"
  55. >
  56. > "I never thought of it in that way," marveled the old man.
  57. >
  58. > "Then go home and think it over," finished Shinkan.
  59. ## Book of Equanimity, Case 8: Hyakujō and the Fox
  60. > Whenever Master Hyakujō delivered a sermon, an old man was
  61. > always listening there with the monks. When they left, he
  62. > left too. One day, however, he remained behind.
  63. >
  64. > Hyakujō asked him, "What man are you, standing there?"
  65. >
  66. > The old man
  67. > replied, "In the past, in the time of Kashyapa Buddha, I
  68. > lived on this mountain as a Zen priest. Once a monk came
  69. > and asked me, 'Does a perfectly woke person fall under
  70. > the law of cause and effect or not?' I said to him, 'He
  71. > does not.' Because of this answer, I fell into the state of
  72. > a fox for 500 lives. Now, I beg you, Master, please say
  73. > a turning word."
  74. >
  75. > Hyakujō said, "The law of cause and effect cannot be obscured."
  76. >
  77. > Upon hearing this, the old man became greatly woke.
  78. ## Book of Equanimity, Case 20: Jizō's "Most Intimate"
  79. > Jizō asked Hōgen, "Where are you going, senior monk?"
  80. >
  81. > Hōgen said, "I am on pilgrimage, following the wind."
  82. >
  83. > Jizō said, "What are you on pilgrimage for?"
  84. >
  85. > Hōgen said, "I don't know."
  86. >
  87. > Jizō said, "Not knowing is most intimate."
  88. >
  89. > Hōgen suddenly got really woke.
  90. ## 101 Zen Stories, Case 31: Every Take is Hottest
  91. > When Banzan was walking through a market he overheard a
  92. > conversation between a butcher and his customer.
  93. >
  94. > "Give me the hottest take you have," said the customer.
  95. >
  96. > "Every take in my feed is the hottest," replied the butcher.
  97. > "You cannot find here any take that is not the hottest."
  98. >
  99. > At these words Banzan got woke.