This is a blatant ripoff of [Mallory Ortberg](https://twitter.com/mallelis)'s [Bible Verses Where A Word Has Been Replaced With A Different Word](http://the-toast.net/series/bible-verses/). ## The Gateless Gate, Case 7: Jōshū Washes The Bowl > A monk asked Jōshū to teach him. > > Jōshū asked, "Have you eaten your meal?" > > The monk replied, "Yes, I have." > > "Then go wash your bowl", said Jōshū. > > At that moment, the monk got woke. ## The Gateless Gate, Case 15: Tōzan's Three Blows > Tōzan went to Ummon. Ummon asked him where he had come from. > > Tōzan said: "From Sato." > > Ummon asked: "In what temple did you remain for the summer?" > > Tōzan replied: "The temple of Hōzu, south of the lake." > > "When did you leave there?" asked Ummon. > > "The twenty-fifth of August," answered Tōzan. > > Ummon said: "I should give you three blows with a stick, but > today I forgive you." > > The next day Tōzan bowed to Ummon and asked: "Yesterday you forgave > me three blows. I do not know why you thought me wrong." > > Ummon, rebuking Tōzan's spiritless responses, said: "You are good > for nothing. You simply wander from one monastery to another." > > Before Ummon's words were ended Tōzan got woke. ## 101 Zen Stories, Case 46: How Grass & Trees Become Woke > During the Kamakura period, Shinkan studied Tendai six > years and then studied Zen seven years; then he went to > China and contemplated Zen for thirteen years more. > > When he returned to Japan many desired to interview him > and asked obscure questions. But when Shinkan received > visitors, which was infrequently, he seldom answered their > questions. > > One day a fifty-year-old student of wokeness said to > Shinkan: "I have studied the Tendai school of thought since > I was a little boy, but one thing in it I cannot understand. > Tendai claims that even the grass and trees will get > woke. To me this seems very strange." > > "Of what use is it to discuss how grass and trees get > woke?" asked Shinkan. "The question is how you yourself > can become so. Did you ever consider that?" > > "I never thought of it in that way," marveled the old man. > > "Then go home and think it over," finished Shinkan. ## Book of Equanimity, Case 8: Hyakujō and the Fox > Whenever Master Hyakujō delivered a sermon, an old man was > always listening there with the monks. When they left, he > left too. One day, however, he remained behind. > > Hyakujō asked him, "What man are you, standing there?" > > The old man > replied, "In the past, in the time of Kashyapa Buddha, I > lived on this mountain as a Zen priest. Once a monk came > and asked me, 'Does a perfectly woke person fall under > the law of cause and effect or not?' I said to him, 'He > does not.' Because of this answer, I fell into the state of > a fox for 500 lives. Now, I beg you, Master, please say > a turning word." > > Hyakujō said, "The law of cause and effect cannot be obscured." > > Upon hearing this, the old man became greatly woke. ## Book of Equanimity, Case 20: Jizō's "Most Intimate" > Jizō asked Hōgen, "Where are you going, senior monk?" > > Hōgen said, "I am on pilgrimage, following the wind." > > Jizō said, "What are you on pilgrimage for?" > > Hōgen said, "I don't know." > > Jizō said, "Not knowing is most intimate." > > Hōgen suddenly got really woke. ## 101 Zen Stories, Case 31: Every Take is Hottest > When Banzan was walking through a market he overheard a > conversation between a butcher and his customer. > > "Give me the hottest take you have," said the customer. > > "Every take in my feed is the hottest," replied the butcher. > "You cannot find here any take that is not the hottest." > > At these words Banzan got woke.