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+This is a blatant ripoff of [Mallory Ortberg](https://twitter.com/mallelis)'s
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+[Bible Verses Where A Word Has Been Replaced With A Different Word](http://the-toast.net/series/bible-verses/).
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+
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+## The Gateless Gate, Case 7: Jōshū Washes The Bowl
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+
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+> A monk asked Jōshū to teach him.
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+>
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+> Jōshū asked, "Have you eaten your meal?"
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+>
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+> The monk replied, "Yes, I have."
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+>
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+> "Then go wash your bowl", said Jōshū.
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+>
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+> At that moment, the monk got woke.
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+
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+## The Gateless Gate, Case 15: Tōzan's Three Blows
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+
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+> Tōzan went to Ummon. Ummon asked him where he had come from.
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+>
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+> Tōzan said: "From Sato."
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+>
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+> Ummon asked: "In what temple did you remain for the summer?"
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+>
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+> Tōzan replied: "The temple of Hōzu, south of the lake."
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+>
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+> "When did you leave there?" asked Ummon.
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+>
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+> "The twenty-fifth of August," answered Tōzan.
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+>
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+> Ummon said: "I should give you three blows with a stick, but
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+> today I forgive you."
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+>
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+> The next day Tōzan bowed to Ummon and asked: "Yesterday you forgave
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+> me three blows. I do not know why you thought me wrong."
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+>
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+> Ummon, rebuking Tōzan's spiritless responses, said: "You are good
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+> for nothing. You simply wander from one monastery to another."
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+>
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+> Before Ummon's words were ended Tōzan got woke.
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+
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+## 101 Zen Stories, Case 46: How Grass & Trees Become Woke
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+
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+> During the Kamakura period, Shinkan studied Tendai six
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+> years and then studied Zen seven years; then he went to
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+> China and contemplated Zen for thirteen years more.
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+>
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+> When he returned to Japan many desired to interview him
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+> and asked obscure questions. But when Shinkan received
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+> visitors, which was infrequently, he seldom answered their
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+> questions.
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+>
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+> One day a fifty-year-old student of wokeness said to
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+> Shinkan: "I have studied the Tendai school of thought since
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+> I was a little boy, but one thing in it I cannot understand.
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+> Tendai claims that even the grass and trees will get
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+> woke. To me this seems very strange."
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+>
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+> "Of what use is it to discuss how grass and trees get
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+> woke?" asked Shinkan. "The question is how you yourself
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+> can become so. Did you ever consider that?"
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+>
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+> "I never thought of it in that way," marveled the old man.
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+>
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+> "Then go home and think it over," finished Shinkan.
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+
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+## Book of Equanimity, Case 8: Hyakujō and the Fox
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+
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+> Whenever Master Hyakujō delivered a sermon, an old man was
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+> always listening there with the monks. When they left, he
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+> left too. One day, however, he remained behind.
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+>
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+> Hyakujō asked him, "What man are you, standing there?"
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+>
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+> The old man
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+> replied, "In the past, in the time of Kashyapa Buddha, I
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+> lived on this mountain as a Zen priest. Once a monk came
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+> and asked me, 'Does a perfectly woke person fall under
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+> the law of cause and effect or not?' I said to him, 'He
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+> does not.' Because of this answer, I fell into the state of
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+> a fox for 500 lives. Now, I beg you, Master, please say
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+> a turning word."
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+>
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+> Hyakujō said, "The law of cause and effect cannot be obscured."
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+>
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+> Upon hearing this, the old man became greatly woke.
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+
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+## Book of Equanimity, Case 20: Jizō's "Most Intimate"
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+
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+> Jizō asked Hōgen, "Where are you going, senior monk?"
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+>
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+> Hōgen said, "I am on pilgrimage, following the wind."
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+>
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+> Jizō said, "What are you on pilgrimage for?"
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+>
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+> Hōgen said, "I don't know."
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+>
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+> Jizō said, "Not knowing is most intimate."
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+>
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+> Hōgen suddenly got really woke.
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+
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+## 101 Zen Stories, Case 31: Every Take is Hottest
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+
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+> When Banzan was walking through a market he overheard a
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+> conversation between a butcher and his customer.
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+>
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+> "Give me the hottest take you have," said the customer.
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+>
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+> "Every take in my feed is the hottest," replied the butcher.
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+> "You cannot find here any take that is not the hottest."
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+>
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+> At these words Banzan got woke.
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Getty Ritter