This is a blatant ripoff of [Mallory Ortberg](https://twitter.com/mallelis)'s
[Bible Verses Where A Word Has Been Replaced With A Different Word](http://the-toast.net/series/bible-verses/).

## The Gateless Gate, Case 7: Jōshū Washes The Bowl

> A monk asked Jōshū to teach him.
>
> Jōshū asked, "Have you eaten your meal?"
>
> The monk replied, "Yes, I have."
>
> "Then go wash your bowl", said Jōshū.
>
> At that moment, the monk got woke.

## The Gateless Gate, Case 15: Tōzan's Three Blows

> Tōzan went to Ummon. Ummon asked him where he had come from.
>
> Tōzan said: "From Sato."
>
> Ummon asked: "In what temple did you remain for the summer?"
>
> Tōzan replied: "The temple of Hōzu, south of the lake."
>
> "When did you leave there?" asked Ummon.
>
> "The twenty-fifth of August," answered Tōzan.
>
> Ummon said: "I should give you three blows with a stick, but
> today I forgive you."
>
> The next day Tōzan bowed to Ummon and asked: "Yesterday you forgave
> me three blows. I do not know why you thought me wrong."
>
> Ummon, rebuking Tōzan's spiritless responses, said: "You are good
> for nothing. You simply wander from one monastery to another."
>
> Before Ummon's words were ended Tōzan got woke.

## 101 Zen Stories, Case 46: How Grass & Trees Become Woke

> During the Kamakura period, Shinkan studied Tendai six
> years and then studied Zen seven years; then he went to
> China and contemplated Zen for thirteen years more.
>
> When he returned to Japan many desired to interview him
> and asked obscure questions. But when Shinkan received
> visitors, which was infrequently, he seldom answered their
> questions.
>
> One day a fifty-year-old student of wokeness said to
> Shinkan: "I have studied the Tendai school of thought since
> I was a little boy, but one thing in it I cannot understand.
> Tendai claims that even the grass and trees will get
> woke. To me this seems very strange."
>
> "Of what use is it to discuss how grass and trees get
> woke?" asked Shinkan. "The question is how you yourself
> can become so. Did you ever consider that?"
>
> "I never thought of it in that way," marveled the old man.
>
> "Then go home and think it over," finished Shinkan.

## Book of Equanimity, Case 8: Hyakujō and the Fox

> Whenever Master Hyakujō delivered a sermon, an old man was
> always listening there with the monks. When they left, he
> left too. One day, however, he remained behind.
>
> Hyakujō asked him, "What man are you, standing there?"
>
> The old man
> replied, "In the past, in the time of Kashyapa Buddha, I
> lived on this mountain as a Zen priest. Once a monk came
> and asked me, 'Does a perfectly woke person fall under
> the law of cause and effect or not?' I said to him, 'He
> does not.' Because of this answer, I fell into the state of
> a fox for 500 lives. Now, I beg you, Master, please say
> a turning word."
>
> Hyakujō said, "The law of cause and effect cannot be obscured."
>
> Upon hearing this, the old man became greatly woke.

## Book of Equanimity, Case 20: Jizō's "Most Intimate"

> Jizō asked Hōgen, "Where are you going, senior monk?"
>
> Hōgen said, "I am on pilgrimage, following the wind."
>
> Jizō said, "What are you on pilgrimage for?"
>
> Hōgen said, "I don't know."
>
> Jizō said, "Non knowing is most intimate."
>
> Hōgen suddenly got really woke.

## 101 Zen Stories, Case 31: Every Take is Hottest

> When Banzan was walking through a market he overheard a
> conversation between a butcher and his customer.
>
> "Give me the hottest take you have," said the customer.
>
> "Every take in my feed is the hottest," replied the butcher.
> "You cannot find here any take that is not the hottest."
>
> At these words Banzan got woke.